I am currently in the aftermath. The point at which there are no active treatments to be exposed to but my body is still reeling from the radiation and chemotherapy pulsing through my body.
I wish I could say this week has been restful. I wish I could say I am healing. I suppose at a cellular level I am but emotionally, I am walking a tightrope of anxiety.
Two days before radiation ended, an enormous burn appeared on my tongue-right in the place where you talk, or chew, or do quite anything. And then of course chemo was the following Monday so I exposed my body to the gift that is chemo, sensitizing the radiation to better do its job, but that in turn also subjected my nerves to the extreme.
So this week has been filled with pain, nausea, vomiting, dehydration, hydration IV’s, lack of nighttime sleep, inappropriately timed naps, craving a food, vomiting that food, weight loss, neck scabbing, hair loss, and just pure anxiousness.
My brain is foggy. I am exhausted. I am just plain worn out.
I take my pain meds. And anti-anxiety meds. And anti-nausea meds.
I practice pain management meditation. I watch senseless TV. I listen to my “warrior” soundtrack.
I cry. I smile when my boys come home. I cry a little more.
But I haven’t breathed a sigh of relief at all.
I know this is all part of the treatment, I was informed before getting here. And I know this is temporary, I will not feel like this forever, but when you’re in the thick of it it can be so hard to see or even imagine there is an other side to this experience.
I don’t know how long this will last. I wish someone could give me an actual date for relief. I do so much better in the knowing than in the unknown, but this has been a tremendous learning curve of letting go, of surrendering control, of allowing what will be to be.
Each day I write in my journal that tomorrow will be better and each day as I wake, I hope that to be the case. Eventually, it will become truth and tomorrow’s new day will be better than today.
And even though I have never felt weaker, THIS is strength, waking anew each day and never giving up. Even when that sounds so much easier.
So here's to tomorrow. Again.
I am mama of three beautiful babes; two sons whom I have the privilege of raising and my daughter who lived for 33 sacred days.