Amie Lands
  • Welcome
  • Author
  • Books
    • Navigating The Unknown
    • Our Only Time
    • Perfectly Imperfect Family
    • Tending to Your Heart series
  • Support Books

10 weeks

1/2/2016

0 Comments

 
Picture
What does pregnancy after loss looks like?

​This is not my first rainbow baby but it may as well be. I got pregnant with my son four months after my daughter died at 33 days old. I don't know if the exhaustion from that time was from pregnancy or from grief, but I was knocked out for quite some time. 

This time four years later, I thought it would feel different-better or easier perhaps. As if being pregnant and caring for a toddler would be any easier than being pregnant and grief stricken. They are both so challenging. But this time I'm out of the fog of grief. So I'm very clear when my emotions are overtaking me. 

Today I needed to find a sweater that's it. I came out to the bins of clothes that I had saved from both my pregnancies-five bins in total. We recently moved so most my bins have lost their labels forcing me to delve into every single bin on the shelf. The very last one, the big one, contained my daughters quilt for her crib, clothes from hanging in her closet and the letters that spelled her name on the wall. I pulled out the special clothes remembering my girlfriends who bought and hung them on the wall of my baby shower. The quilt was longed for, for weeks I searched until I found the perfect one. And the letters (they never had the chance to be painted) are now missing a few because I borrowed them to share with her brother and they hang on the wall of his toddler room.

I could feel my stomach rise to my throat and I felt the surge of heat overcome me that I experienced when they told me my daughter wouldn't survive. I rushed back inside to vomit. I sipped my lemon water and cooled my face to recover. 

This pregnancy (as I tell myself) is a different story, a different baby, a different journey and outcome, but it is terrifying nonetheless. I have moments of panic and moments of peace, but I'm always giving my myself the grace that my emotions are part of the process and in order to maintain health, feeling them are all part of it.

This is pregnancy after loss. It never ends. It doesn't discriminate and appears anywhere, anytime-even from inside garage bins. ​

0 Comments
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture

    Amie Lands

    I am mama of three beautiful babes; two sons whom I have the privilege of raising and my daughter who lived for 33 sacred days.

    Archives

    May 2020
    January 2020
    October 2019
    May 2019
    March 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    May 2017
    March 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    January 2014
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    November 2011
    October 2011
    September 2011
    August 2011

    Categories

    All
    Anniversaries
    Birthdays
    Book
    Breastfeeding
    Cancer
    Faith
    Family
    Fear
    Free Ebook
    Friends
    George Mark Children's House
    Gifts
    Giveaway
    Gratitude
    Grief
    Grocery Store Conversations
    Holidays
    Hope
    How Many Kids Do You Have?
    Ladybugs
    Lessons
    Life
    Loss
    Love
    Mama
    Memories
    Missing
    Mother's Day
    Musings
    Pain
    Pregnancy After Loss
    Rainbow Baby
    Resilience
    Ruthie Lou Foundation
    Ruthie's Life
    Sacred
    Siblings
    Signs
    Strength
    Support
    Wave Of Light

    RSS Feed



​Stay connected!


© Amie Lands, 2024

​Privacy Policy
  • Welcome
  • Author
  • Books
    • Navigating The Unknown
    • Our Only Time
    • Perfectly Imperfect Family
    • Tending to Your Heart series
  • Support Books