I wondered why she waited til that day, the day we will forever share, I woke up devastated in tears that day wondering why she chose my birthday. I asked her over and over, to let me help her, to show me what she needed to let go, not because I wanted her to leave but because I wanted to help her complete all that she came here to do. She was tired, she was ready, it pained me to see her life leave her like that.
Time has passed and much has become clearer in the last three years. Some things will always remain a mystery but there's one thing I am certain, she was waiting for me. She waited for me, she held on waiting for my favorite day, and she gave me the greatest gift, blessing me with her life on my birthday, on the last day of her life she was celebrating her love for me on my birthday.
My birthday has always been my favorite day of the year, a day to feel special, a day set aside just for me (and all others born on that day), a day to celebrate life, my favorite day. Ruthie Lou stayed so that she would always be part of my birthday, we would always be together on what was my favorite day. I imagine that I will celebrate that day again. Until then, I celebrate the life we now have but mostly, I celebrate the gift that was Ruthie Lou's life.
It's devastating to share those two things on the same day, life and death, to balance the grief, the emptiness, the loss with love and gratitude for the life we had with Ruthie Lou and the life that we have now. It's hard to hear happy birthday on a day that still doesn't feel happy But I know people's hearts are in the right place, they come from a place of love. It is clear why she waited. Reid is getting older now and I knew that once we had more kids my birthday would be less about me and more about them celebrating me. Yesterday, Reid loved my birthday, although I think he thought the day was for himself, buying balloons, singing the birthday song, blowing out candles and eating cupcakes. Ruthie Lou knew what she was doing then, she had one last job to finish before she left on September 10th. She needed her life to be part of my day then and it continues to be part of my day now.
We are forever intertwined with our children, the primal interconnectedness that will never be fully understood but recognized as the willingness to do ANYTHING for your child. I would have done anything to keep her, it wasn't enough. If love could've saved her, she'd be here today.
I still can't believe she's not here.
I love her and miss her every single day.
We survived another year.
I love you sweet girl. Thank you for all you have given me and all that you left us with, the greatest gift of all, your love, lives on with us.
My chest is tight, the air caught stuck in my lungs, I cannot breathe more in nor can I let that small amount out. I'm dreaming of whales, oceans, friends long gone, and kitchens. I've looked them up, in the dream books, searching for meanings within the madness. I know the answer, I know their origins. I don't need a book to tell me the sea of emotions that I swim in this month. What I do need, is a break. A pause. A time out. A freeze button. Where I can sit in this space, the borrowed time of year, this season, that I held my daughter and just be in those moments again.
I can function, I am functioning, I am fine. But I am not fine. I just want some time....why does the earth keep spinning year after year when I just want it to stop? For a moment. For one moment. For that moment.
I will be ok. And I write that mostly for you because I already KNOW that I will be ok. I've done this for three years now and I know that to grieve IS ok. This is only grief.
I just want a break.
One more week and it will be 33 days since Ruthie Lou's birthday. And it's crazy to think while my life was on hold three years ago, when I stared aimlessly out of a fourth story hospital window for 21 days and then in the miracle that they call George Mark for the following 12 days, it is still mind blowing that everyone else's life continued while mine forever fell apart. 33 days felt so long then. 33 days flew by too quickly then. And 33 days is still not long enough now.
I will be ok.
Until then, I am here.
I am in this moment.
Trying to catch my breath.
I am mama of three beautiful babes; two sons whom I have the privilege of raising and my daughter who lived for 33 sacred days.