That's how old you would have been today.
Every month that thought, as the number continues to grow, in an instant brings me to my knees.
One year, nine months....
since you left my arms 33 days later. I had no choice other than setting you free. I had to let you go but let's be clear, I didn't want to.
The days keep moving. And moving. And moving.
I love this life. I love my baby Reid.
and in the same breath
I miss my Ruthie Lou, my sweet precious girl. My heart forever breaks for you. Sometimes I am pretty sure I don't have any idea just how much I am really broken from losing you.
While I absolutely, hands down, no questions asked, love THIS life, I equally HATE that my daughter is not here to share it with us in the way I planned her to be.
I am a mama to two children who I will forever love more than life itself.
The elementary school talent show. That's where my heart fell to pieces today. The violinist stood on stage, all 4 feet of her. Her straight bob hair with the violin in her hand she prepared to play and her dad so lovingly set up her stage, music stand, microphone, chair to sit. It was beautiful. The violin floated across our 50 year old MPR amongst the sounds of the piano her father played. In this simple act of dad and while listening to their song, I lost my cool, I totally lost my shit. Maybe externally I held it together, maybe to those far enough away that they couldn't see the whites of my eyes turn red, welling with tears.
I miss our girl. I miss all of her, the parts we got to hold and love and cherish and the parts that we will never get. The talent shows, the school days, goodnight kisses, morning snuggles, chasing her around the house as we do her brother. And that only touches a portion of it. Kindergarten, promotion ceremonies, sports, teenage arguments, drivers license, dating, wedding day, pregnancy, grand babies...
I can never predict when or how hard these moments hit. The elementary school talent show made me lose my shit today. I miss our girl, I miss you Ruthie Lou every day still.
I am mama of three beautiful babes; two sons whom I have the privilege of raising and my daughter who lived for 33 sacred days.