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This day of life and day of death.
This day of love and day of loss. This day of joy and day of sorrow. This day of smiles and of tears. This day of light and of darkness. This day of fullness and of missing. My heart will always miss the weight of you in my arms. My soul will always feels you close. If I believe in a life after this, I must believe that my daughter is there. But where that is, I can't be sure and neither can you until you arrive. So until then, today is the day of my birth into this life and her birth into the next place. The most sacred gift of gifts to be shared, a bond that can never be broken. You will live in my heart until eternity, Ruthie Lou. I have already loved you for a thousand years and I will love you a thousand more. So, today we eat all the delicious food in your honor. Happy birth-day to us. I wish you were here to celebrate, life has never be the same without you.
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 We are in the midst of Ruthie Lou's month, day 26 of 33 to be exact. Because her life was so short, I can count her days in my head in just a matter of seconds. It has been four years, and undoubtedly it is easier to survive these days than they were in the beginning. Easier, not easy. I am often on the edge of emotions this month, I don't try to be but I am. I retreat, stick more to myself, analyze my life, and separate slightly from many around me. This month (her month) is not any more difficult than any other day(s) of the year but because I can instantly place myself four years earlier and know exactly where we were on each particular day, I livei n two alternate realities in August/September because these memories live so vividly today. August 9, the day of her birth. August August 13, the first time I held her August 15, first time Chris holds her August 19, private room at Kaiser August 22, we get horrifying news August 23, we have to tell our families August 28, remove life support August 29, we move to George Mark-first bath, walk outside, sunset, snuggle August 30, professional family photos September 2, warm tub time begins September 3, Blessing Ceremony-family says their goodbyes September 8, we begin our goodbyes September 10, Ruthie Lou celebrates my birthday & births into the next world September 11, we wake in a room without her, our life never the same I can type that list in a matter of minutes, without looking at one of the hundreds of pages of writing or the thousands pf photos. If I were to consult those, I could give you a minute by minute of each day, and I have. Those days were sacred, scary, hopeful, stressful, heart-filled and heartbreaking, the most anxiety filled days of my existence. And I miss them. It is not to say that this month is horrible, it is not. In fact the opposite at times. this month is SACRED. At any one time I can reminisce about our life in 2011 and be there in my mind. I can feel the excitment of hot tub day, getting Ruthie Lou ready, putting her much too large swimming diaper on her tiny little baby body. I can feel the joy of holding her in the warm water, her being handed to me and taught how to soothe her, in a way that we never could before. The Rock-A-Bye baby Beatles CD playing in the background with the soft soothing lights as Chris and I share Ruthie Lou and share the photographer duties. And this, this is why the month still feels sacred because I can feel her still. As strongly as I allow. And this, this is also why working through grief can be so important to healing. The sadness of my daughter dying will never leave. The ache that her absence placed in our life will never be filled. I don't want to live in a life of pain without her, I want to be able to remember her with the joy of those past moments and speak of her openly. Because I have felt it all and because I continue to feel it, speak it and live it, I am able to also remember the joy of those moments, to live in the love and the loss, the sadness and joy, and know life is all of these things at the same time. It is the opposing forces that makes this life so beautiful, to be able to feel both and thrive in my life that continues on, while always loving honestly my daughter that lives on in my heart. |
Amie LandsI am mama of three beautiful babes; two sons whom I have the privilege of raising and my daughter who lived for 33 sacred days. Archives
May 2020
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