In updating my blog, I came across a page in which one week I listed all the things I loved about Ruthie Lou, and in the next post I listed all the things I love about Reid.

So here it is Adam, I love you this much too! I never want you to think that because you are the youngest that you aren't as loved, adored and appreciated as your siblings. You are amazing!

I love the way you "coast" when you wake in the morning.
I love your smile when the morning light turns on.
I love how you snuggle your body close to mine.
I love the smell of your baby head of hair.
I love how you "talk" when you wake.
I love how you grab my hand, my shirt, my hair.
I love how you hang on tight when I am holding you.
I love your laugh every time your brother does anything silly.
​I love the bond that you and Reid share.
I love your little cough to get our attention.
I love that you listen to "Little Light", your sister's song, to fall asleep.
I love your chunky body, the rolls on your legs and your "rubberband" wrists.
I love your excitement (and a little fear) when you roll from back to belly.
I love your grunts when you shove your toys in your mouth.
I love your forced laugh when I oil your body after bath time and I hit a ticklish spot.
I love how you watch me cook dinner from your seat.
I love that you let me eat ;)
I love nursing you.
I love when you rub my chest as you breastfeed.
I love your focus when you play.
I love your determination when you try to do something new.
I love the way you smile at everyone, making them feel so special.
I love that you love Xavi, you let him kiss you all the time!
I love watching you splash in the bathtub.
I love the piece of the puzzle you have brought to our family.
I love the joy that you bring into our life.
I love you, I love you, I love you.

​The house felt strangely inhabited tonight. Reid wanted to "watch Rufie Roo" before bed. We probably have 2,000 photos of her, many plastered around the house, on our phones and most anywhere that we are. Reid knows her pictures, her name and that she is his sister. We speak of her, we include her in all that we do and how we live. Tonight when he asked to watch her, my heart leapt with fear and excitement. I have not watched her videos (from the video camera) for near three and a half years and before that only once, days after coming home without her. My sister and I sat on the couch in the living room and watched Ruthie Lou and cried, it was hard and it was sacred. It was so necessary. But, I haven't had the courage to watch them since.
 
 
I often picture Ruthie Lou in our daily life and that thought is full of so many emotions: sadness, emptiness, love, pride and so much loss. I feel my own loss but I also feel it for Chris and even for Reid, for the sister he'll never know. I worry about him loving her at all, and then I worry that he'll love her so much that it will cause him his own grief. But mostly, I feel so sad that he doesn't get that playmate that other kids get in a sibling. He has a sister but he'll never actually get that sister.
 
So tonight we snuggled on the couch, we had milk and loved watching Ruthie Lou. Reid giggled and squealed to see his mama and dad on screen and he asked questions about what he saw. We stayed up past his bedtime and we laughed and I cried and my heart was full, having both my babies in one room for almost a minute. It was a sacred moment. I kissed Reid all over his face and he even let me do it without saying, "eww". His eyes were near closed before his head hit the pillow and although I still feel like crying, I think I'll revel in the feeling of love instead.
 
Not a day goes by- and not many moments without missing my sweet girl. I'll miss her always.