I held my baby, the greatest gift of all today, the day of my 31st birthday. Ruthie Lou took her final breath in our arms this afternoon. She was welcomed with the angels patiently waiting her arrival. We imagine her grammas swooning over her, Papa Jock welcoming her, Captain's tail wagging so hard as it knocked everything over, along with the many others we couldn't wait for her to meet...or see again. It was a beautiful and heart wrenching moment that maybe I will share later but for now, I wrote the following journal as I patiently waited for my turn to hold Ruthie Lou this morning, it was only fair for dad and me to take turns....the entry ends abruptly as my turn began and all attention given to my sweetest angel. She eternally blessed us as I hope she has blessed you.
************************************************************************************* We fell asleep Thursday after saying what I thought would be our last goodnight. Earlier in the evening I asked Chris what he wanted to do in case it was Ruthie Lou's last night and he said,"Are we gonna do this tomorrow night, too?" I replied, "If we're lucky. I hope we do." Friday morning we up with Ruthie Lou silently breathing right beside us. I sang her the "good morning" song and she was able to muster a smile for her mama. Her color had lightened, her breathing more shallow, but she was there with us, once again refusing to leave. We spent the day doing Ruthie Lou's favorites. We went to the hot tub earlier than normal, loved her up in her favorite place to be, the water. One day, a lady here asked how we know the water is her favorite and let me tell you, a mama knows! The moment Ruthie Lou's body touches the water, her body relaxes, awake or asleep, it always ends the same way, she eventually falls asleep! Dad had to run out for a bit so Ruthie Lou and I sat in our favorite rocking chair, listened to the wind and watched the critters fly, the bees, bugs, moths, butterflies and our friend the hummingbird. We could even hear Pistachio, a cousin of Peanut and Almond (dad, you know who I mean!) And finally, last night we watched the sunset once again from our favorite chair. We didn't talk much, I don't have much else to tell little miss Ruthie Lou, we are beyond words. Instead, we sang lots of songs, she even curled her lips for a quick smile here and there. Somehow songs are saying all the words I have run out saying. I love to sing to Ruthie Lou, although she's probably the only one who loves to hear me sing! We ended the night same as always, quiet, with lots of love, kisses and goodnights. Today is my birthday. 31 years old. Last year on my birthday, we found out I was pregnant, it was the best birthday ever, I could not have asked for a greater gift. I imagined that this birthday, I would be celebrating with my little one, and I am. A lot can happen in one year. As my friends/family know, we lost that pregnancy and it was devastating. I loved that baby from the moment I knew it was there. I then, imagined this birthday being full of heartache, remembering the baby that should have been here, but then Ruthie Lou came along. She was a surprise, wanted for sure, but not intentional at that time, we were waiting to recover from before. But Ruthie Lou helped heal my heart, she was a blessing from the very first moment she arrived, I had never been happier than to feel her grow inside my body. I loved every minute of it, all the uncomfortable, miserable, large moments of pregnancy, none of them mattered because I was in love, in love with Ruthie Lou. Today I woke up too nervous to look at Ruthie Lou, afraid of what I would see. But then I heard her, her little purr breathing not steady but still there. I rolled over, she was pale and tired, but she wasn't about to miss my most special day of my year. She never wants to miss a moment, I think that's why she's still here. I woke up so sad to see her holding on, not letting go, not resting. I don't want her in pain, I don't want her to hurt. The nurses promise me she's comfortable and she looks like she is. Right now she's snuggled with dad. We take turns nearly on a timer now because neither of us WANTS to share but we both love her as much as the other so sharing is the only answer. *************************************************************************************
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Amie LandsI am mama of three beautiful babes; two sons whom I have the privilege of raising and my daughter who lived for 33 sacred days. Archives
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