I got the greatest gift (again) this year. Baby Reid is the light living in my life. He warms my heart with his sweet smile, his pure temperament, his loving need to be close to his mama. My heart is full with love for and from him, such a beautiful gift in our life. This year feels so different than last and I know it's because of him.
I miss Ruthie Lou so much and feeling the joy for him also feels the continuous presence of loss. People have commented on how it must be easier now that Reid is here. I don't even try to explain to them, how could I? Easier? As far as Ruthie Lou is concerned, it is not Reid's job to heal us. I don't know that losing part of your heart ever gets EASIER. It feels different, it feels more distant at times but I don't think it gets easier. My heart still aches for her every single day.
As I put Reid's ornaments on the tree and I can see the radiating love and joy in his pictures, it makes me long to have a "baby's first Christmas" ornament for Ruthie Lou, too. Her ornaments hung on the tree, beautiful pictures of her peacefully sleeping, I wish we had her here with us, ornaments hung next to the boisterous Reid.
It's an odd thing to carry such conflicting emotions of joy and pain, I hold them together, light and dark. I focus on the moment as much as possible, only allowing the heartache to sit sideline to the beauty that is here now, the love we are able to give and receive from our boy. I have to remind myself that this is what Ruthie Lou would want for us. She was and is so full of unselfish love, she brought so much love into my heart, love I never knew existed. I am better because of her, a better mama to Reid, wife to Chris, friend and family member. She made me who I am now and for that I am so grateful. She did such a big job in such little time, I owe it to her to make it worthwhile, to live lovingly and thoughtfully each day, not only Christmas, so that her life is not in vain. I live for her. I live for Reid now, too.
Today, I will stay present. This life is a gift. Ruthie Lou, Reid are such gifts to Chris and me. This is not what we would have chosen, if we had a choice in this life but we must have chosen this at some point. I trust that this life is beautiful, I believe in the magic that surrounds us, I have to. I would be a crazy lady if not. I would probably not be here still if not. Instead, I believe. I believe in miracles, the miracle that Ruthie Lou was to us, her strong fighting body carrying her to us, showing us the love and light of this life and leaving as quick as she came. Her presence showing us that love is eternal and lives beyond this life. And Reid. Showing us that love and light can still exist in this world in the midst of pain and loss, too.
Merry Christmas my sweet babies. I imagine you know one another and will forever be connected in ways that we'll never know. Today, I celebrate our love for both of you.. Each smile for Reid is doubled because I am also smiling for you, Ruthie Lou.
I am mama of three beautiful babes; two sons whom I have the privilege of raising and my daughter who lived for 33 sacred days.