Life has once again changed in an instant. The moment I laid eyes on my boy, my heart melted and I was in love, again. It wasn't as if I forgot how much I love Ruthie Lou because that is impossible but in the moment that I saw my sweet boy outside my belly, the moment I held Reid in my arms, I was instantly reminded of the power of this love. It is unlike any other. I think that in order to continue forward in our life this year, I must not have allowed myself to fully remember this feeling for if I had, I would not have been able to get out of bed every day or any day for that matter. While I have missed and loved Ruthie Lou every single day, I have put some of that memory in the depths of my heart, safe, only to be visited in my quietest of moments, the sacred times that I am able to feel close to her while I shut out the rest of the world. In one moment Reid brought all those emotions back to my heart and in an instant I experienced the pure unconditional bliss & love for my boy and the devastating heart ache of loss, missing my girl. That has been my month, the contradiction of gratitude and sorrow, joy and pain, love and loss. And so life continues moving forward....again.
My brain appears to be adjusting to the tremendous amount of disturbed sleep that this boy has brought into our world and I have begun to feel a bit like my old self again. A BIT. I also still feel slightly delirious and walk away from conversations wondering if what I said made ANY sense at all! Oh well. I am so in love that I find myself spending my entire days staring at and holding this boy as much as I possibly can...which pretty much means most of all day, every day and a lot during the night! Sleep is overrated!
My heart is so full right now, I am so grateful he is finally here safe and sound. I can finally breathe...we can create a baby with all its chromosomes, a baby that we can keep! Of course in the back of my mind, even knowing his fact, I still worry about everything. I really try to push all those fears aside, live in the moment and be present with this special time that truly flies right by. I also think about Ruthie Lou a lot since this is the only time my children will be the same age. I hold Reid in my arms and stare at Ruthie Lou's pictures and compare their similarities, their differences. I see a lot of her in him and I love being able to see their connection to one another but it makes me so sad that that's all we will have, all Reid will have of his sister, just pictures and the stories we tell him. I miss her so much right now rememberig the short time we had with her and now living with Reid, realizing how short that time actually was, an entire lifetime in a 33 days. I am sad for us, sad for him, sad for her. We are all missing out on the life we "should have" had. Then, as quickly as my brain heads down that path, I remind myself to turn that around as fast as it enters my mind. That type thinking, it isn't constructive and I remember, we aren't guaranteed anything in this life.
So for now, I sit. I sit with my boy, I stare at him, I love him. I watch him nurse in amazement that I can provide him with everything he needs right now, he just needs me and lots of love. I am so smitten with him. I want to give him everything and then some. I love him so much and then I love him even more. I give him all the love in my heart and the love reserved for his sister, he gets it all. He gets all of me.
This past year for Ruthie Lou, I stayed healthy for Reid in my belly. Now, I live for Ruthie Lou AND Reid, I stay healthy for my family and the future that is laid in front of us, so close I can taste it. I keep moving. I am here now with my boy in my arms...once again, I have waited my whole life for this.
I am mama of three beautiful babes; two sons whom I have the privilege of raising and my daughter who lived for 33 sacred days.