Sometimes I am angry.
Sometimes I am sad.
Most the time I feel anxious and exhausted.
But, always I am a WARRIOR.
The past two months have been filled with grief. I am grieving the summer I thought I would have; time with my boys playing by the pool and getting to be a stay at home summer mom. I am grieving the end of breastfeeding Adam to which I was given one hour’s notice before heading to one scan that piggy backed another scan while facing surgery and radiation. I am grieving all the normal parts of life; having energy, deep slumber, my appetite, feeling peace, and being in charge of my own schedule. And the PTSD from Ruthie’s short life transferring into this experience is real and it’s hard.
But, I am allowing myself to feel all those feelings because this is how you move through them. It’s important for me to acknowledge all the energy flowing through my body. Moving the energy through allows it to release and reminds me to remember who I am at my core, while allowing who I am becoming to develop too.
I have a hard time catching my breath through the anxiety, but am reminded to breathe fully and deeply.
Falling asleep is challenging but once I am there, the dreams are full and vibrant.
My appetite is lacking, but once I take that first bite of fresh food I am reminded that food is life...and is tremendous joy in my life.
And music. Music raises my spirit always. Through the sadness I feel, the anxiety I am experiencing, there are so many nights where you will still hear music flowing from the windows of our home and a dance party happening in the living room or kitchen.
Life is (still) good. Ruthie taught me that through tremendous pain, there is tremendous beauty and lessons to be learned if you are open to it.
So, I am scared, sad, anxious.
And simultaneously, I am grateful, I am loved, I am supported, I am a WARRIOR.
I don’t want to do any of this, but I wouldn’t want you to do it either. So why not me? I am not naive to think that I am immune to hardship because I’ve experienced loss before. If I had to choose this experience between me and my husband, or boys, or family member or friend-if ONE of us HAS to do THIS, I would choose me over and over again because I know I will be ok. It will be hard, but I will be ok. And sometimes I wonder if it’s harder for those who love me. It’s so hard to be powerless in a situation watching someone you love suffer or struggle. Nobody deserves this, so why not me?
This is merely a bump in the road.
Let me remind you:
I am a WARRIOR.
...and please remind me when I momentarily forget!
I am mama of three beautiful babes; two sons whom I have the privilege of raising and my daughter who lived for 33 sacred days.