I keep wanting to write but with a baby constantly in my arms, it is near impossible. I can't write in Reid's journal because I can't hold a pen, I can't write in Ruthie Lou's journal because I can't hold my iPad so here I write in this forum because I CAN hold my iPhone, but trust me, it's not the easiest to write all your thoughts in a 4x2 phone! And I am NOT complaining!
Reid is nearly three weeks old! I want to say I can't believe it but I can. If I have learned nothing this year it is that time keeps moving even when you don't want it to whether it's to hold on to the good or bad. I wanted time to stand still when Ruthie Lou was alive because we knew the days were limited. I wanted time to stop altogether after she died because I couldn't fathom moving forward in life without her. And now I want time to slow down because I don't want to miss a single thing about this special time with Reid! But time keeps moving....
I am holding my boy in my arms everyday now and I am so grateful. It feels surreal. I am so in love. I am overjoyed. I am so happy. And I am devastatingly sad. For all things Reid, life is so good. He is beautiful, sweet, calm, adorable, easy going, a joy to be with at all times even the fussy crying changing diaper moments. For all things Ruthie Lou, balanced with my love and adoration for her, my heart aches. I miss her so. Watching her brother and sharing these moments make me realize even more how much we missed with her, how much we miss her. I want her here with us, I want to share these moments of Reid with her toddling around with our family. We are a family of four and it is so hard to be here as a family of three.
I look for her, for the signs that we share and they are appearing in different ways now because my routine has changed. I feel a disconnect with her right now because life is so different. It has taken some time to not feel deliriously sleep deprived and be able to function normally...or somewhat normal. It has taken some time to digest Reid's birth, our hospital stay, being home, balancing visitors and adjusting to our new life, I feel distant from my girl and I hate that. I miss her. I also want to be present for my boy, he deserves my undivided attention and love. It is a balance, one that I am sure that all parents of two children must figure out, it's just different when one child is not physically present.
But as I sit in bed typing on my iPhone with my baby boy sleeping on my chest, I remember, life is (still) good and that nothing needs to be figured out today. Life has changed, so once again, we must change. We love both our babies so much and it is extremely clear how much they love us. I am instantly reminded to be in that moment, always.
I am mama of three beautiful babes; two sons whom I have the privilege of raising and my daughter who lived for 33 sacred days.