Everything & NOthing have changed

Everything has changed and nothing has changed.

This thought has rolled around in my head a lot lately as I near the end of this pregnancy, possibly days away from meeting Ruthie Lou's brother.  

Everything has changed and nothing has changed. 

Looking superficially at our life, nothing has changed. It is still Chris, our dog, cat and me. I am still (once again) pregnant. We are still (once again) expecting a child. Chris still keeps his same job, working to finish his paramedic, I still teach 5th grade. We still do the same activities, he loves to work out and I do too, if I were able to right now. We still laugh, we still play, we still surround ourselves with friends. Nothing has changed. 

Until you look closer. 

Everything has changed. We had a baby, a beautiful little girl, our sweet precious child. We are parents even if nobody outside us can see that. We are pregnant with our second child, not our first, even though his sister isn't carried in our arms. Chris and I are stronger because we share the largest bond that parents do, the unique love for your child, and our love continues to struggle in this new role not because we sleep deprived with an infant as we wish, but because we are sleep deprived in grief at times. He is the only one in the world who endured each experience before, during and after our daughters short life, the one who loves and misses her equal to me. The only one.

Everything has changed. Our outside relationships are so different now, all of them. Some have suffered, changed and/or ended, struggling to find how to "be" with us. Some have left and unknowingly we don't if that was a conscious choice, ours or theirs. Some have triumphed where it was so hard in the beginning but the love for each other so so worth it, we figured it out leaving the relationship even more valued that we worked through it. Some have strengthened, the "be"ing second nature, natural, so easy. Not one relationship is the same anymore because we have all lost someone we loved this year whether it was our sweet girl or the friend you once had, the people that Chris and I used to be.

Everything has changed. I am not naive to think that pregnancy=baby anymore, I wish I was. Birth is no longer my biggest fear in pregnancy, survival is. I was so scared of the pain and recovery of Ruthie Lou's birth. I wish that were my only fear now. I still fear birth, but I fear our boys survival of birth now. I fear that he dies before he gets in my arms. I fear he is missing chromosomes. I fear I fell in love with my child again and we won't get to keep him.

Everything has changed. I miss feeling normal. Most times I do feel normal because our life hasn't changed outwardly but I miss the way things used to be. The stupid things I would worry about, the unimportant things that would create chaos in my life. I miss being carefree in my love for my babies. I miss the life we didn't get to have with our daughter. I wish my relationship with my daughter were tangible, seen by others, not created without ever being able to have her here. I get tired of thinking about death. I miss feeling understood. 

Everything and nothing has changed. If nobody would notice a difference from the outside, why do I feel like an entirely different person leading an entirely unknown life?

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