Best laid plans

What’s that saying?

You want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans.

I thrive on plans. I love consistency. I hate surprises.

To feel safe growing up, I thrived on consistency. Unpredictability causes me such anxiety. So I have created a comfortable life, a safe life, a life filled with love. I have the kindest husband whose self-proclaimed motto is “nobody tries harder” and he couldn’t be more right.

I never felt more loved by him than in the days he parented Ruthie, in the months he had to care for me in my grief, and again last night when the surgeon called to say that chemo is recommended to my already scheduled treatment plan of 2 surgeries and radiation.

The thing is, my prognosis is good. This type cancer is super responsive to treatment. Those facts will not and did not change with the discovery of my lymph node capillary extension.

But, have you ever loved someone so much and felt completely helpless?

Maybe it was a hurt or sick child.
​Maybe you watched someone suffer from a life-limiting illness. Maybe a loved one suffered from addiction or mental illness.
Maybe you had to call hospice and hold dying hands of someone you love.

It’s debilitating. It’s terrifying and it’s horrifying. And you would give anything to take it from them, but that’s not the choice you were offered so you have no alternative to stand by and bear witness to life or the ending of life. It’s awful. I know because I’ve done it, more than once. And now my husband has to do it again. And I feel so sad for me, but I feel even more awful for him. He doesn’t deserve this. Neither of us and nobody does.

So, another curve ball thrown. Another wrench in the plans.

Treatment is scary. I am hopeful, but terrified. I smile, but I feel fear.

The difference is, I will keep getting up and keep trying again. Because I refuse any other option.

So I will rock this badass scar (and most likely a bald head) with a smile on my face and tears in my eyes. Because this is life. Real life. And our job is to love each other and make the best of what we are given.

I love my husband (and babies) more than life. So, I am doing this for them. I am doing this for our life with the belief that it will be calm and boring again soon enough. I'm hoping for January...

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