August 17, 2011

Yesterday marked a really hard day for Chris and me as we needed to take care of errands for Ruthie Lou and for school, so it was the first time we could not spend our entire day with her. My heart ached without her and every time we saw a family or baby or pregnant mama, the tears would pour. It's amazing the heartache you feel when your baby is no longer inside you, yet you are unable to have them with you. It is just devastating. Chris is an amazing dad, husband & person as he just holds my hand or hugs me and reminds me that we are a strong family, a positive family and that Ruthie Lou is safe and being taken care of. And this is all the while he struggles with the same sadness as I do. So, when we arrived at the NICU, it was finally his turn to hold little miss Ruthie Lou. He had waited so patiently the two days before as I held her while we waited for her MRI. We wanted her feel the place she had been the safest the last 9 months and hear my heartbeat, smell my skin. The nurses laid our little angel in his lap and I could see the relief pour out of him as his shoulders slumped, he leaned back and closed his eyes for the first little "nap" daddy and baby would share. The entire pregnancy Chris spoke most of his excitement to nap in his recliner with little Ruthie Lou and as he sat there with her yesterday I could see him visualizing we were home in our own space, it was pure beauty. I never wanted to leave them but when I returned from pumping, there he sat in the same spot still holding her, having a little daddy talk with her. It was an amazing moment for him and for me, as well.