I spend my days with a baby in my arms, the life I wished for for my entire lifetime. This, in the midst of Ruthie Lou's year and in the middle of her first "month". My heart is full, my days are full, my arms are full. I wish I can write more, I have so many thoughts to put down on paper but the days just pass so quickly. It's amazing how something so small who needs so little, boobs, diapers, and lots of love can take up so much time, all my time! I stare at him all day. I feel like last year is so far away now. There are moments I feel so distant from Ruthie Lou and then there are moments where I am looking at ruthie Lou's twin. I have two children. I birthed two children. I carried two children. Sometimes I have to tell myself this over and over and over. It feels like someone else's life. Sometimes I can pretend I am a first time mom and I have this beautiful baby boy but in an instant I know my heart is missing my first tue love, her spot will never be filled in this lifetime. I miss her so much. Our life would be so different if she were here. Perhaps we wouldn't have Reid. I couldn't imagine my life without Reid......
First birthdays are rolling around. How do I feel about this? I am not sure.......I love those babies so much. In that regard, I am so full of joy to watch them grow. I also find myself in these fleeting moments in a room full of people and children, wondering who my girl would be at one years old. I find myself slipping away in my mind, outside the party and missing her so badly. What would our life have been like right now...we will never know.
I am excited for October, I am excited for Fall. Halloween, changing of seasons, end of the sunshine welcoming the darkness. Warm food, cinnamon and nutmeg. Dia de Los muertos and celebrating the dead. Infant loss and remembrance days. I love October. And all the while, my boy will be in my arms reminding me of the living as well....
I am mama of three beautiful babes; two sons whom I have the privilege of raising and my daughter who lived for 33 sacred days.