I walked in the front door to my empty house. The “Welcome home, Ruthie Lou!” sign had been taken down, the pack and play was put away, and the bassinet was no longer next to my bed. The items that were set up in anticipation for our daughter’s arrival had been removed because she lived only 33 days. She never came home from the hospital.
Our family and friends tried to soothe our broken hearts, but my heart was destroyed. It had shattered into 5 million pieces and I didn’t know how to mend it. I missed my baby more than words could express. Forever felt an overwhelming amount of time to live without my daughter. I constantly experienced anxiety and struggled with fear, wondering an endless amount of questions: How will I survive this loss? Will I always live in this much pain? Will I smile, laugh or feel joy again? Is life worth living without my daughter?
I missed the way life used to feel. I missed the old me, the one who didn’t know the trauma of her baby dying. I missed my husband and the excitement that we had for our future. I worried about how future children might be affected never knowing the baby who came before them. I felt overwhelmed at how to include my extended family into our life. I felt like a shell of the person I was before.
First and foremost, I needed to take care of my heart. I quickly learned that I could not tend to anyone else’s needs if I was not taken care of. I had so much internal angst that lived inside my head for a long time. Slowly, I started seeing glimpses of life again. I started to see me as a priority and found ways to put one foot in front of the other. My husband and I, although we were in this together, felt like we lived in two separate universes. We handled our grief so differently and I often wondered what he was thinking and feeling. And, my extended family felt the wrath of this loss. Not only did they feel my pain, but they lost their cousin, their niece, their grand-daughter. A little person was missing at every family gathering and we felt her loss over and over again during holidays and celebrations. My family would have done anything to comfort us, but they were experiencing their own grief. I could not let them in. Now having living children, although they were born after our loss, they still have lots of questions about their sister. They wonder who she was and why she’s not here anymore. They love her and want to celebrate her with us. Over the years I have had to be creative and conscious of their experience as they try to navigate this subject that is hard for even adults to comprehend. Sometimes their questions leave me in tears too, but I am still expected to parent them through this. I know you don’t want to be here and I wish you weren’t, but please let me help guide you through. I want to offer hope to you, that it won’t always feel like this. Unfortunately, time is not the healer of all wounds. Time alone will not heal this. You must choose to take the first step. I know the severe pain, loneliness and isolation from missing your baby. I understand the worry, fear and anxiety that follows you. In the 6 years since our daughter died, I have immersed myself in grief recovery and healing my broken heart. My passion is helping families like mine to find peace in their hearts. Let me show you what I have learned. I want to share 100+ simple ways to connect with your heart, how to connect with your husband, your living children and your extended family. If somebody would have offered me a way through this, even just to hold my hand I would have been so grateful! I want to do that for you. I am here, holding your hand and offering you more than 100 ways to live in this present moment and to put one foot in front of the other. In this ebook I share:
I am personally vetting every item listed, either by my own experience or that of other loss moms. Now I can’t guarantee EVERY item will be your thing, but I can guarantee that you will find SOMETHING comforting here. You won’t know until you try. I know life feels overwhelming. Don’t walk this path alone. Let me hold your hand. Nurture your relationships, especially the one with yourself. Tend to your heart. Take care of you. Choose healing. Find peace. Experience love and joy again. It will not always feel like this. I promise.
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Amie LandsI am mama of three beautiful babes; two sons whom I have the privilege of raising and my daughter who lived for 33 sacred days. Archives
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