When I was pregnant with Ruthie Lou, my biggest fear in birth was the physical pain that I would experience birthing her beautiful baby body. I wasn't scared of it but was nervous about it; how I would endure it, how I would work through it, how I would overcome the pain.
Then, pregnant with Reid, I still felt fear about pain, but it was emotional fear, true fear, real fear, terrifying acknowledging death fear. I was afraid that my baby would die and I was in fear about the emotional pain that rules your life when your greatest love dies. I feared that I couldn't rebuild my life, myself or my marriage if our next baby died, too.
My fear about birthing pain, never really entered my mind in Reid's pregnancy. Physical pain, I could tolerate that, but could I endure the devastating sadness that grips you in deaths shadow? I prayed I would never experienced that loss agin. I prayed and repeated affirmations to myself all day long for 37 weeks 5 days.
I am so grateful to hold my boy today, two (+) years after his birth. I am so grateful he is alive. I am so grateful for Reid.
And I fear him dying every day.
I am mama of three beautiful babes; two sons whom I have the privilege of raising and my daughter who lived for 33 sacred days.