Not a day goes by when I don't think of my sweet girl. Much has changed over the last year. Some parts have grown closer to her, others seem so far away. I can still feel the softness of her skin to my lips, feel the thickness of her hair thru my fingertips and feel the chunky feet and bony bootie in the palm of my hand. Other parts feel further away.
After Ruthie Lou died, I felt closer to the Universe, a place I had never experienced before. I had a glimpse of the other world when I watched my sweet girl breathe her final breaths. I spent a lot of time outside after she left us. I could spend all day sitting in my chair staring at the sky, marveling at the beauty that surrounded nature. It was such a crazy feeling, here my daughter had left us, we were without her yet somehow the world could still look beautiful. How was that possible? Birds chirping, warm sunshine, dragonflies, ladybugs, bees and flowers...it all still remained...beautiful. I never felt angry at the universe. I kept waiting for that moment to arrive. But I was "high" in the love I still felt from my girl, the gifts she had given us, the wisdom her sweet face held. I felt her all around me in the beauty of the world. It was a safe place to feel close to her, without her in my arms.
Now, nearly a year from her birth, I sit with her brother in my belly. He should be here soon. I love being pregnant. I love having him inside me. I love him like I loved his sister at this point. The anxious waiting, nervous about birth, excited and so very scared. Will we get to keep him? Will he be ok? The only way we will know is the moment he arrives and they place him in my arms. I hope he is handed to me immediately, I want to feel his baby skin and gaze into his eyes. I want to hold him, love him, keep him always.
I feel him move, I love that feeling and I am reminded of her. I miss her so much. I sit outside in my pool, floating him in my belly marveling in nature and it still amazes me, beauty remains. I don't know how it is possible to love our babies so much, to lose the greatest love of your life but continue to love them, love life, keep living. How is that possible? I don't know but I don't feel have a choice. I love Ruthie Lou with all of my being. I love this boy more than I can express. It is a sacred time. It is a scary time. It is a time for faith. One moment at a time.
I am mama of three beautiful babes; two sons whom I have the privilege of raising and my daughter who lived for 33 sacred days.