Category: Pregnancy After Loss

And, we wait...

6/21/2016

Here we wait, again. My 4th pregnancy, my 3rd baby and hoping for my 2nd living child. Pregnancy after your baby has died is hard, way harder than I could even articulate in words to anyone else unless of course you have experienced this loss yourself, in which case I don't need to explain because you would just know. Maybe after being in the spotlight and so open about Ruthie Lou's life and death and my obvious public love obsession of Reid, I hold this new baby so close as we wait for baby's birthday. .

I don't want to share this time, but that doesn't mean I am not in love. I still carry all the love, the hopes and dreams as I have every time I knew that life was growing inside me. So, thank you for not asking me a million questions about this pregnancy, my due date, baby's gender or name as I have felt too protective to share. This baby will be arriving soon and then, when I am holding baby safely in my arms, then I will feel ready--I think.

Until then, I do ask that you pray (or whatever you do) that we hold a healthy living baby soon.

Now, we continue to wait...

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Baby Showers & Protecting my heart

5/10/2016

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I am now Facebook officially pregnant. Well, kind of. I didn't post any pregnant photos but after a magnificent day celebrating our babies at the Sonoma County Human Race, pictures were flying all over social media. I would never think to ask someone not to post pictures from their day and by association, I was included in many of the pictures.

I am now 29 weeks pregnant. I am so so grateful. And hopeful. And scared, terrified really. And I had not yet posted a pregnancy photo or announcement on Facebook. I can't exactly pinpoint the reason, other than I am protecting my heart.

People say the most well intentioned and innocent remarks. They do not mean to hurt, nor even mean to pry, but even uttering about this pregnancy feels like chancing fate right now. I have the most intimate bond with this baby and I am not ready to share that with the world yet.

In Ruthie Lou's life we were so public. The world around us watched as our life, the one we had wanted for so long and so badly, fell apart into our greatest nightmare and heartbreak.

In Reid's pregnancy, I was hesitant to share of his impending arrival but when I did it helped to have our community rally around us with hope and baited breath that he would be born alive and healthy.

And now. Years have past, the fog of grief has lifted and we live in our present, everyday life just as most other families do, except that we don't. Pictures of our beautiful daughter line our living room wall, her urn gently rests on our mantle and we answer questions about death and dying from her 3 1/2 year old little brother. We are living the best life that we have created since Ruthie Lou's left us, but it isn't exactly normal.

In the Jewish tradition, baby showers are not customary and many times speaking the name of baby is taboo, as well. I resonate with this tradition so heavily since coming home to a full nursery, but no baby in my arms. Walking past that empty room day after day was merely a reminder of what should have been.

I love this baby so much. The relationship that has already formed is so special, while I am the only one really getting to know this special being growing inside me. I want all the well wishes and warm thoughts, the prayers and hope that once again we have a healthy and living baby come July. But, I cannot emotionally carry the well intentioned comments and questions regarding all things baby; gender? name? baby shower? nursery? how many kids? All those questions, sweet and small talk, carry so much weight as I navigate the daily responses that I am able to offer; gender is a surprise, yes we have names chosen, no baby shower, no nursery, this is baby #3. I say those responses with held breath that I don't make the other person uncomfortable by having to justify my reasons or mention the sad story that I live everyday: my first beloved baby died and I hope this baby comes home with us. Nobody can tell me with all certainty that that will happen and until then, I am protecting my heart and living safely within the four walls of my home where my husband and I can share our hopes and fears meanwhile living in the present moment as seen through our toddler's eyes, that come July he will be able to hold his baby sibling.

Protecting my heart is all I can do to face the world each day. And come July, I will be shouting from the rooftops that this baby is here, healthy and well!!!

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Waiting for a rainbow...again.

2/18/2016

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The grief was so hard to live with in the year after Ruthie Lou died and especially while waiting for her brother to be born healthy and living. All encompassing fog reared its ugly head over mine for 24 hours every, single day without fail. There was no escaping and I could not possibly see the sunshine through the storm.

I never imagined how returning to a normal life would feel. I couldn't imagine it, for this life after death was not a life that I had yet lived. The "normal" life before my daughter barely resembles our life now, but normal life has returned. The daily stresses, worries, laughter, joy and best of all, peace. It feels good to breathe the fresh air back into my lungs when for so long, I could hardly breathe at all.

And now, here we are again expecting another rainbow (baby). It brings up all the grief, the fear, the longing. It is again, a conscious choice to tend to my heart, to take care of my health. We live with one foot in holding waiting for baby, as the other moves forward in the life we now lead.

But this sacred time of growth also brings hope. The thought of chancing it all for more joy, more love. Can this baby be ours? Is this real? I love this life growing inside me already-that happened so fast! And it is terrifying. I want to wrap this little one up safely and keep him/her to myself until July arrives and then announce to the world, "baby is here, safe and alive!"

But alas, my belly gives me away. It continues to grow in magnitude and beauty and I cannot hide the joy that this baby has already brought to my life. I am a walking billboard for all baby questions, comments and advice. I smile, am gracious and grateful for offered joy but although my skin is thicker now, I am still scared. I want this baby so bad, it hurts.

So while my chest has tightened once again with grief surfacing amongst joy, I know that there is light through this fog. I need only put one foot in front of the other. I make the decision each day to lean into the innocent joy of others and hope with all hope that this is our second happy ending.

All while I wait to smell that fresh air again. Because this time, I know it's there.

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And, we wait...

Baby Showers & Protecting my heart

Waiting for a rainbow...again.

Amie Lands

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Stay connected!

And, we wait...

Baby Showers & Protecting my heart

Waiting for a rainbow...again.

Amie Lands

Archives

Categories

​Stay connected!

Stay connected!