Amie Lands, Author
  • Welcome
  • Author
  • Books
    • Navigating The Unknown
    • Our Only Time
    • Perfectly Imperfect Family
    • Tending to Your Heart series
    • Support Books
  • Blog

October 12, 2011

10/12/2011

0 Comments

 
Its been nearly a week since Ruthie Lou's celebration and it is still on my mind. What a beautiful way to celebrate the most beautiful girl in the world, and yes, I am entirely biased. But whenever I think of her or look at her picture or a memory enters my mind, I cannot help but smile, she is the best thing that has ever happened to me, the best thing I have ever experienced in my life.

The celebration was a huge collaborative effort that Chris and I could never have done by ourselves and for that we are so grateful for the people who stepped in and made it amazing. Your support in every way has been and continues to be so appreciated and needed. Everything from the rentals, the equipment, the ladybugs, the stickers (from my students) the food, the arbor, the stage set-up that emulated ladybugs (did you notice that?!), the beautiful plants, the table decor, the ladybug mementos that my friends made with me and those made on their own and the speeches who even though their voice shook, their words were strong...every single thing was thought of and every part was perfect, just like Ruthie Lou.

"Thank you" sounds so trivial when it cannot begin to encompass the gratitude in our hearts, but we thank you from the bottom of our hearts because standing with us, stepping in for us, making decisions for us and doing the hard work for us, heals us. We know there is not much you can do to heal our hearts but you have stepped in where you could and we will never forget that...you along with Ruthie Lou are teaching us, THIS is what friends do, this is what friends are for. Thank you for loving us...large or small, EVERY contribution has been appreciated, noticed and will not be forgotten.

The celebration day itself was amazing, beautiful, magical, just like Ruthie Lou. I awoke to rainstorms, grey skies and frantic messages from friends about the potentials of being "rained out" of our outdoor celebration and even Chris wanted to move locations. But I know Ruthie Lou better than anyone and she was reminding me of the largest lesson she taught, "imperfections are what make us perfect", the mantra I repeated to her everyday, the lesson her life taught me. I felt full of faith and calm that thru the rain, the earth was being blessed as she had blessed us and that the clouds would part for us....and they did. A beautiful day is great but the clouds parting to reveal blue skies after a great rain is amazing, and that was her day, amazing. At one point, my girlfriend and I were practicing our song with the rain pouring down on us, with hoodies on our heads and we were laughing...along with Ruthie Lou, I am sure.

In the end, the clouds parted as I knew they would and it was a imperfectly perfect day! I sang with all my heart, spoke truths from within and loved all the hugs and love for our little girl. For those of you unable to make it, be it from distance, illness, work or obligations, we felt your presence that day. It was a day full of remembrance and celebration, one that words will do no justice, so instead of writing about each speech, each warm hug that hugged our hearts, we want you to feel it for yourself and we will be posting the video online so that you can also feel the energy from Ruthie Lou's special day.

As you could imagine, and as we predicted, the last days since then have been challenging, to say the least. No more preparing for a big celebration, no more "arts and crafts day" at the house, no more timeline of getting things done, no more phone calls of checking in to help. THIS was the "hard part" that I referred to many weeks ago. It wasn't the day we found out her prognosis, it wasn't the day her soul left her body, as hard and heart wrenching as those moments were, those were only MOMENTS but now the moments that we wake up and remember that this wasn't a nightmare, getting out of bed and knowing Ruthie Lou is still not here, these are the hard parts, THIS is the rest of our life, the new real world. Living each day that her body is gone, THAT is the hard part.

Sitting alone with all my thoughts while the world continues on and mine is stand ing still, that is the hard part. I cant move on, not right now, probably not ever. What was normal is not anymore and somehow my brain, my body has to assimilate this new life, this new "normal". I am doing all the things that would help me, help us, try to figure out this new life. I would want to write about all the things that WE are doing to take care of ourself but as you already know, Chris and I are so very different. What works for him, doesn't work for me and vice versa. So instead, I can only speak for myself as I write this because my rules don't apply to him. Right now, as I write, he is heading out the door to the gym because that works for him, he returned weeks ago and I am still too nervous to face the other gym members, the ones who watched me in the pool and doing yoga as my belly got into it's 37th week of pregnancy. I am not ready to answer the questions without breaking down or to see the looks of sadness on their faces.

So instead, I am surrounding myself with loving friends and with a lot of nature, many beautiful hikes with Chris and with friends, that's where I feel Ruthie Lou the most and it brings me great joy. Sometimes I don't make it further than my back porch, an thats ok too, it's so serene in my yard, I don't need to go anywhere else, some days that is an accomplishment in and of itself. But other times when I find it too hard to even get out of bed, it's the phone call, text or email that gives meaning to this new life. The relationships that are solidifying and forming right now as I walk this new path is something to be grateful for and I trust that because of Ruthie Lou, my life is now changing in beautiful ways as I maneuver through this pain.

The nights are beautiful as the season is changing, I love fall. I love the colors, the smells, the early sunsets and the snuggles that the crisp air brings. And although our pain is unlike anything I hope you ever have to endure, I love that Ruthie Lou has made the simple things in life worth appreciating. I remind myself of her lessons each moment, as I hope you do, too. Every night before bed I would tell Ruthie Lou her list of "I love you's" and so with that, "I love you more than all the stars in the sky, to the moon and back. I love you more than anything in the world, more than anyone in the world. I love, love, love you Ruthie Lou."

​Good night.
0 Comments

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    Picture
    Picture
    Picture

    Amie Lands

    I am mama of three beautiful babes; two sons whom I have the privilege of raising and my daughter who lived for 33 sacred days.

    Archives

    May 2020
    January 2020
    October 2019
    May 2019
    March 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    May 2017
    March 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    January 2014
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    November 2011
    October 2011
    September 2011
    August 2011

    Categories

    All
    Anniversaries
    Birthdays
    Book
    Breastfeeding
    Cancer
    Faith
    Family
    Fear
    Free Ebook
    Friends
    George Mark Children's House
    Gifts
    Giveaway
    Gratitude
    Grief
    Grocery Store Conversations
    Holidays
    Hope
    How Many Kids Do You Have?
    Ladybugs
    Lessons
    Life
    Loss
    Love
    Mama
    Memories
    Missing
    Mother's Day
    Musings
    Pain
    Pregnancy After Loss
    Rainbow Baby
    Resilience
    Ruthie Lou Foundation
    Ruthie's Life
    Sacred
    Siblings
    Signs
    Strength
    Support
    Wave Of Light

    RSS Feed



​Stay connected!


© Amie Lands, Author 2018

​Privacy Policy
  • Welcome
  • Author
  • Books
    • Navigating The Unknown
    • Our Only Time
    • Perfectly Imperfect Family
    • Tending to Your Heart series
    • Support Books
  • Blog