Yesterday was Ruthie Lou's 3 month birthday, it was a day of celebration, as I try to make every day that way now, a day to celebrate Ruthie Lou. And ironically, today was the 2 month anniversary of her passing. Three months ago she entered this world, two months ago she exited, it is still unbelievable. I equate it to my brain being a deck of cards that is usually tucked away nicely in their box, but then the deck gets thrown up in the air and all mixed up so you have to stop and pick up all the cards and try and put them back in the box, but they never go back in the same exact order.
That is my life right now, my brain right now. Things were going a certain way, were expected to have a certain outcome, yet it all got tossed up in the air, landed all over the floor and now it is getting put back together, to assimilate this new path but it will never be in that same order again. The plans, the dreams, the path we were on, it will never be the same again.
Surprisingly, I am learning that not being the same again is not entirely negative, as you might think. Trust me, it is devastating, it is unbelievable, it is more than you even want to imagine, but it also so beautiful and so magical, if you allow it to be. Every day I wake up and have to remind myself of what we have just endured, that no, in fact it was not a dream that we will wake up from. There are always the few seconds between sleep and wake that I remember what our real life consists of, not what my dreams are telling me. But then the beauty of choice sets in, the ability that each and every one of us are entitled to every day when we wake, the question of, "How do I celebrate TODAY?" I remind myself that I still get TODAY! I still get to celebrate Ruthie Lou's life TODAY! I still get to celebrate the beauty that remains here TODAY! I remind myself of all the lessons, the beauty and magic that Ruthie Lou brought here and it pushes me out of bed in the morning, just as she would want it to be.
As heartbreaking as it continues to be, it is also incredibly beautiful to have walked this journey with Ruthie Lou, to feel the extreme love to the core of my being, to experience the pain of loss in my heart and soul, while continuing to learn the lessons that she brought with her. I am constantly reminded to appreciate those lessons each and every day that I am blessed to wake up. We have had such amazing moments experiencing Ruthie Lou since she passed, some that you may consider coincidences if it's something you don't believe in or have not experienced yourself. Coincidence or not, it is far more magical to feel comfort in the beauty of this life, to see the richness of the universe being displayed to you in the moments that you really seem to need them. Whether its the tiny ladybug, the dragonfly, the hot pink hummingbird or the shooting star, it appears that Ruthie Lou is never too far away, her energy is felt all around. It makes me wonder, these things must have been in my environment before Ruthie Lou, but now they hold so much beauty, so much hope and definitely so much comfort. And perhaps it's just the beauty that continues to be in life after such a tragedy that is the comfort. The fact that beauty can continue regardless, can be such a comforting thought. Either way, I am grateful to have the opportunity to slow down and truly appreciate every small thing in life right now.
So as I spent that last two days celebrating Ruthie Lou even more than I normally do, it occurred to me another amazing gift that she left even after her passing...Ruthie Lou was born on the 9th of August and passed on September 10th, so every month her "birthday" and "anniversary"are back to back. Yesterday as I woke, I was determined to have an amazing day celebrating her birthday. I rode my bike 30 miles, did 90 minutes hot yoga, shared Sift cupcakes with Chris, my heart was filled with such joy for Ruthie Lou. The thought of her helps appreciate all the good in life, the beauty in nature, the strength of my body, the flavors of good food, it was a really enjoyable day. After such a wonderful day of celebration, it would have been really hard to wake up today and mourn her loss in such sadness, I just couldn't do it! Instead, I was forced to celebrate her joy and gifts again today! A beautiful walk with an amazing friend, a delicious healthy lunch at East West Cafe, making lip balm, sugar scrubs and lotions with wise company, and ending the day with a heartfelt conversation with my dad and some unexpected visitors, another amazing day.
So today it occurred to me, the day of her chosen passing was yet another blessing from Ruthie Lou! Even in her death the great blessing is that if I continue to celebrate her "month" birthdays for now, the joy can overflow into celebrating her life once again on the anniversary of her passing, just as she would want it to be. Ruthie Lou's lessons continue to play over and over again in my mind, and today I was given the greatest reminder from her that LIFE IS A CHOICE. Living life to its fullest and celebrating all of life's precious and easily overlooked gifts is a daily choice. Every day that we wake up, is a gift.
Even in the most tragic of all, unexpected life's experiences, there is beauty and there is sadness. The trick then lies in learning to balance and honor the sadness but not allow it to overtake your life until you are unable to appreciate the beauty of the experience as well. I miss Ruthie Lou every second of every day but in all the sadness and anguish of her loss, her life and lessons were so amazingly beautiful and pure. Ruthie Lou would want me to continue to celebrate and live my life to the fullest. So I guess I don't really have a choice, now do I?
Happy 3 month birthday, little miss Ruthie Lou. I continue to celebrate you, your love, joy, blessings and lessons everyday. Your magic continues in each day I am blessed to wake up, I am STILL so grateful for you. Thank you endlessly for choosing us.
I am mama of three beautiful babes; two sons whom I have the privilege of raising and my daughter who lived for 33 sacred days.