Happy Birthday?

I wondered why she waited til that day, the day we will forever share, I woke up devastated in tears that day wondering why she chose my birthday. I asked her over and over, to let me help her, to show me what she needed to let go, not because I wanted her to leave but because I wanted to help her complete all that she came here to do. She was tired, she was ready, it pained me to see her life leave her like that.


Time has passed and much has become clearer in the last three years. Some things will always remain a mystery but there's one thing I am certain, she was waiting for me. She waited for me, she held on waiting for my favorite day, and she gave me the greatest gift, blessing me with her life on my birthday, on the last day of her life she was celebrating her love for me on my birthday. 


My birthday has always been my favorite day of the year, a day to feel special, a day set aside just for me (and all others born on that day), a day to celebrate life, my favorite day. Ruthie Lou stayed so that she would always be part of my birthday, we would always be together on what was my favorite day. I imagine that I will celebrate that day again. Until then, I celebrate the life we now have but mostly, I celebrate the gift that was Ruthie Lou's life.


It's devastating to share those two things on the same day, life and death, to balance the grief, the emptiness, the loss with love and gratitude for the life we had with Ruthie Lou and the life that we have now. It's hard to hear happy birthday on a day that still doesn't feel happy But I know people's hearts are in the right place, they come from a place of love. It is clear why she waited. Reid is getting older now and I knew that once we had more kids my birthday would be less about me and more about them celebrating me. Yesterday, Reid loved my birthday, although I think he thought the day was for himself, buying balloons, singing the birthday song, blowing out candles and eating cupcakes. Ruthie Lou knew what she was doing then, she had one last job to finish before she left on September 10th. She needed her life to be part of my day then and it continues to be part of my day now.


We are forever intertwined with our children, the primal interconnectedness that will never be fully understood but recognized as the willingness to do ANYTHING for your child. I would have done anything to keep her, it wasn't enough. If love could've saved her, she'd be here today.


I still can't believe she's not here.


I love her and miss her every single day.


We survived another year.


I love you sweet girl. Thank you for all you have given me and all that you left us with, the greatest gift of all, your love, lives on with us.
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