It was a full-on cancer day. A handful of hair in the shower and all over my pillow, deranged music during radiation, and mouth sores under my tongue making food near impossible.
I cried. A lot. I also laughed inappropriately. I called friends when I could talk. I texted family when I couldn't because it hurt. I asked for help from my dad. I gratefully appreciated and enjoyed his company to the store and to my appointment. I drove myself the 1-mile to acupuncture. That seemed a better choice for my anxiety than numbing with TV. I took a nap there and released some tears as my breathing finally calmed. My energy was decent today even if my mouth is not. I cleaned the kitchen. Chris thought the housecleaner had come. I felt proud to say I did it, even if he looked at me disapprovingly because he wants me to rest.
Food hurts to swallow. I may have to get the feeding tube that I adamantly refused. Things have progressed, so I have to adjust. I want my body to have the fuel to heal as best and as quickly as possible. I want to be present for my boys. I want whatever energy I can have during this time. I want to dance at my brother’s wedding. Tomorrow, I will discuss it with both my oncologists and move forward appropriately. But tonight, I enjoyed the taco salad that I could get down. It was worth it.
This is hard. But today is one day. It's the only day I need to focus on. I don't have to be afraid of tomorrow or next week or 4 weeks from now. I am scared, but I don't have to be. So as much as I can control it, I will. And sometimes I can't and that's ok too. In those moments, I offer myself grace. I will treat myself as I would a friend; kindly, with patience, love, and understanding.
The day ended with all my boys wrestling in costume on the living room floor. The neighbor kids laughed when I answered the door in my (yes, MY) pink Power Ranger mask. I watched from the window as they all ran in the rain. When Reid couldn’t have special time because it hurt for me to talk, he hugged me and said, “I hope you feel better, mama.” I feel better already. My mouth may hurt, but my heart is full.
Life is (still) good even when it is hard.
Tomorrow is a new day.
I am mama of three beautiful babes; two sons whom I have the privilege of raising and my daughter who lived for 33 sacred days.