Today has been an emotional day. A wonderful day full of laughs and an excruciating day full of heart wrenching tears. Each good moment makes me want another happy experience and so forth. There will never be enough "time". This morning waking up to Ruthie Lou's beautiful face right next to mine was the best. I have not slept that peacefully in three weeks.
Today was yet another peaceful and tranquil day. We lounged around this morning, snuggling with Ruthie Lou just being a family in our home. It was a warm and beautiful day here, the sun shining brightly. We took an afternoon stroll outside and smelled the sweet fresh air of all the flowers in bloom, the grounds here are immaculate and beautiful. We spent time this afternoon "memory making" with Ruthie Lou, creating 3-D casts of her hand and foot, they turned out perfect! It's kinda weird how realistic they look, I haven't seen anything like these before. We also attempted to do some handprints but little miss Ruthie Lou had another agenda, she was not having it! Ruthie Lou likes her hand in a fist, not flat, so instead her print turned out to be a big beautiful pink smear on the canvas, with paint all over her tiny hand and it kept getting frighteningly close to being put in her mouth! We were laughing so hard, we couldn't clean her fast enough! Oh well, imperfections make things perfect so we will keep her smeared prints and laugh every time we look at them.
Tonight we sat outside and watched the sunset once again with the intent of taking some pictures of Ruthie Lou in the beautiful garden, but it was much too chilly. It was a good reminder that not all memories make it on the camera. Sometimes, I want the the picture so bad that most of my time is spent behind the camera and not appreciating the memory we are making. Throughout the day, I could not let go of how the community came together for our family at two fundraisers last night. The buzz was so big, we could feel it here in our "home", in fact we could still feel the energy today. The messages, texts and emails were so overwhelmingly full of love we are still in disbelief at the amount of support you have all shown us. We felt as if we were actually there...because in a sense we were. I told Ruthie Lou about all our friends and family who love her, love us, but I am sure she already knows you all. I still believe that she came here for me, for Chris but I also think she came here for all of you. It's hard not to think that when I see the tremendous amounts of lives that she has affected, she has changed.
Thank you for all the Caringbridge guestbook messages and emails, I am saving all of them to remind me of Ruthie Lou's purpose here on Earth and to read them when I need your strength. Please continue to keep writing us, there is no blessing too small, sometimes it's the small things that make the biggest difference in our lives but I am also blown away by the huge life changes that some of you have confided in us. It's just another miracle of this little angel.
The staff and volunteers here are so kind & loving, many of them having their own personal connection with this house or having lost a child before this house even existed. Once you join this "club" there is an unspoken bond that unites you with everyone else in it and fortunately there are some amazing people who have turned their loss, their pain, into helping and supporting families like us cope with the worst loss imaginable. There are also volunteers here of every age and every interest. Today an elderly woman sang Ruthie Lou a song and a high school student helped us with our "memory making" projects.
This house includes people of all ages and all are united by the desire to bring joy to our children, no matter what. We feel so fortunate to have ended up here to be held close by people who love us and want the best for our daughter.
And finally, thank to to all of you who have passed on the story Ruthie Lou's journey. A handful of your friends, people unknown to me, have reached out to share their personal story of pain, loss and survival. I desperately need to be connected with people who have been here before us. Hearing the ways in which families have coped, turning their loss into support for someone else, in this case us, gives us an ounce of hope that we will live beyond this tragedy, that we will give Ruthie Lou's legacy meaning, even though I am not sure what that will be yet, only time will tell...
I am mama of three beautiful babes; two sons whom I have the privilege of raising and my daughter who lived for 33 sacred days.