I am out of sorts. I feel lost. I feel sad. I feel overwhelmed, uncertain, disconnected. And all this after a good nights sleep. Maybe that's the problem!
I miss my girl. Will this ever change?! I hope not. I hope my love for her always feels as fresh as it does now, as it did last year, as it did the moment we knew she was there two years ago.
We were eating nachos that night. The night I had walking pneumonia. The night the nurse asked me if I was pregnant and I said I don't think so. Why didn't she give me a test? We were eating the nachos that I so desperately needed when I thought that was the most appropriate time to find out if we were to be pregnant. Again.
And I was. Pregnant. Again. And then I continued to eat my nachos. And cry. And be scared. And love my sweet Ruthie Lou more than I could ever begin to know. The night we were eating those nachos changed my life forever.
And I miss her. I will always miss her.
Nights that I feel like this I just want to wake Reid up and love him and kiss him and snuggle and sleep with him next to me, close to my body, hearts beating together as when he was in my belly. I love him so so so very much. I love him far more than I could ever imagine. Love knows no bounds and my love stretches beyond worlds for my sweet beautiful babies.
I wish they were here together. I want to sleep just to dream that life. If only I slept long enough to dream.........
Reid is laying in the nook of my body from my chest to my legs and it feels so good. His little body fits perfect in mine. After we change him in the early hours of the morning he snuggles in bed with me and falls back to sleep without protest, so content to feel the warmth of my body and hear the beating of my heart next to his, such a beautiful moment. I wish it could last forever. I treasure the moments laying in bed with this boy, I'm reminded of that time with his sister, my favorite time of day snuggling together listening to the sound of each breath, wanting it to last forever. I wish all these moments could be bottled up and saved forever....
I am mama of three beautiful babes; two sons whom I have the privilege of raising and my daughter who lived for 33 sacred days.