The unseen trauma. The never-ending thoughts. Talking myself through all moments of getting through each day.
What causes my anxiety? Everything. Most everything causes my anxiety.
Waking up. Getting out of bed. Taking a shower. Having daily appointments. Facing another 12-14 hours.
Being in pain. Not knowing how much pain. Fearing I won't be able to control the pain. Wondering when the pain will end.
Eating. Eating when everything is altered, challenging, or painful. Taste buds. Chewing. Pushing food to the back of my throat. Swallowing. Vomiting. Having to eat again. Hunger.
Leaving the house. The germs. The hugs. The potential of germs and hugs.
Speaking to strangers. Speaking to friends. Having to speak in general. Speaking through the pain and weight of a tongue I cannot always feel or move correctly. Not being understood. Having to repeat myself. Having to slow my speech.
Energy. Having energy. Having enough energy. Having to prioritize my energy. If I use my energy for this, will I have enough for that? How long will I have to rest after I _____?
Answering “How are you?”. Not knowing how I am. Not knowing how to answer. Compared to yesterday, last week, last month, last year. I can eat today. I can talk today. I can spend time in the living room today. I am good. I *am* good because I am alive. That's my barometer these days. But, I am not necessarily *good*.
Falling asleep. Calming my mind. Calming my body. Calming my nerves. Being woken from sleep. Going back to sleep.
But the anxiety is just that-anxiety. It is not real, but if only in my head. It is an ongoing conversation that I have to talk myself out of or medicate. But at some point, I have to learn to live through what I have lived through and when I can’t I won’t and I don’t.
I will ask for help.
I will take my meds.
I will tell a friend.
I will be my friend.
I will breathe.
I will know that this is temporary even if I don’t know how long temporary is.
And, I will rejoice that I am alive. Because once again, I *am* good because I am alive and life is (still) good.
Even through anxiety.
I am mama of three beautiful babes; two sons whom I have the privilege of raising and my daughter who lived for 33 sacred days.