A lifetime is not a measure of time

When you gaze upon the child you've longed for, every cell of your being changes. It's unexplainable until experienced and even more than one can conceivably imagine. When I could finally see the child I had only felt in my belly for 37 weeks, my life, my purpose, my everything shifted, my heart exploded with love. My Ruthie Lou, my sweetest girl, she changed me even before I knew how much.

Ruthie Lou, your pregnancy, labor up until the moment of birth were everything I had imagined and ever hoped it could be. Dancing with your dad, being cared for, anxiously waiting your arrival, longing to be your mama in this world. This story, the one of your birth can be whatever perspective I want it to be, sometimes it is lovely, other times it is terrifying and many times it is all those things. But above all the conflicting emotions of that day, the LOVE that exhumed could not be contained in my heart. You were here, you were mine and you will always be our daughter. ​

​Everything about the days leading up to and the weeks that followed from the day of your birth, are ingrained and embedded in my mind.  I treasure every single memory.

Blue eyes, auburn hair, puckered lips, the dimple on the right side of your cheek. Chunky feet, chunkier thighs, skinny booty, long fingernails. Soft skin, baby smell, tousled hair that my fingers ran through one million times a day. Lovely visits, pinching booties, laughter and your room full of love. Soft kisses, more kisses, could I ever have kissed you enough? Poop explosions, the warm pool, sunsets, brisk air, the days turning to night. Opposite schedule, party animal, night wakings, holding you every moment we could, sharing you between us only because it was fair. Long talks, stories told, lessons learned, our souls speaking a language never to be heard aloud.

My heart will always long for you, the child that I am unable to raise. But let's be real, you raised me. You taught me more than I anticipate learning the rest of my life and the true reason we are here; to love and be loved, to show love, to grow love and to understand that time on Earth is valuable and borrowed. That a lifetime is not a measure of time.

I live in your love every day and especially today when I wish I could kiss you just one more time. I love you more than all the stars in the sky. 


Happy 4th birthday, Ruthie Lou. Today, I will eat all delicious food in honor of you.

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Let me hold your hand.
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