33 Days...

33 days. They pass so quickly. A whole lifetime and the beginning of life. Such a contradiction. 

Today on his 33rd day, my son is now older than my daughter. My sweet boy is now the big brother. 33 days, that's all we got with her and they passed so quickly. I hold my boy, looking at his beautiful face, it reminds me of his sister so much and yet it is so different. He is so different. The way he has grown, become so alert, interacted with us these last few weeks, what a gift. I wish Ruthie Lou had been able to express herself in that way as well. There is no question that we felt her love an that she felt ours but I wish it could've been more. I wish we had had more of everything. More time, more snuggles, more smiles, more sunsets. Just more. 

The last 33 days with Reid have been so different than our time with Ruthie Lou. A person parents differently to a child who is dying versus one you get to keep. A person lives life so differently when you think time is endless. I have found us doing that this month, taking advantage the luxury of time. We lounge more, we stay inside when we could go out. We put off our walk til tomorrow because we GET tomorrow together. We are living as ordinary parents, it feels so weird. And I hate that I have been a mama for a year but am now a "new parent". I feel so cheated sometimes. We got cheated, Ruthie Lou got cheated. We miss her so much.

Through all this I still understand, Ruthie Lou was not taken from us, this was her journey, she fulfilled her time. But I am human, I am her mama, I miss her. I wish on today, Reid's 33rd day, that she was soundly sleeping in the room down the hall as I rock her little brother to sleep...

I love you RL, to the moon and back more than all the stars in the sky. I love you RW, I love you, I love you, I love you. I love you both, my sweet babies. I will forever love you both.

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